Why do pipers like to march as they play the bagpipes?
A moving target is harder to hit.
An Englishman, lecturing on his travels, was speaking disparagingly about the Scots in Canada and the mixing of the race with the Indians.
‘You’ll find,’ he said, ‘a great number of Scots half-breeds and French halfbreeds, but you cannot find any English half-breeds.’
‘Not surprisingly,’ shouted Wee Hughie in the audience. ‘The squaws had to draw the line somewhere.
One day Wee Hughie bought a bottle of fine whiskey and while walking home he fell.
Getting up he felt something wet on his pants.
He looked up at the sky and said, "Oh lord please, I beg you let it be blood!"
Young Jock MacTavish got down on his knees to propose to her when a 10p piece dropped out of his pocket and rolled under the sofa. In the 20 minutes it took him to find it she had lost interest.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.
An Australian entered a bar and stood beside a Scotsman.
"Where are you from, pal?" asked the Scotsman, after they'd chatted for a while.
"I'm from the finest country in the whole wide world," said the Australian.
"Are you?" said the other. "You have a damn funny accent for a Scotsman."
A salesman from England was making a pitch to the furniture buyer of a Glasgow Hi-Fi store.
"And if you carry our new line of Hi-Fi units, I'll have the pleasure of presenting you personally with a case of malt whiskey," the salesman said.
"Oh, we're not allowed to accept gifts," said the buyer. "That would be a form of bribery."
"I'11 tell you what," said the salesman. "Just to keep it all above board, I'll sell you the whiskey." "How much for?"
"Say, a pound for the case."
"Oh, well," said the buyer, writing out the purchase order. "At that price, I'll take two cases."
Did you hear about the Scottish kamikaze pilot?
He crashed his plane in his brother's scrapyard.
Two robbers broke onto a lodging house in Glasgow. They were discovered and a tremendous fight broke out. Bleeding and covered in bruises they finally managed to escape through a window. Well, we didn't do too badly said one, 'we came out with twenty pounds.' 'Thats true,' said the other, 'but we went in with sixty pounds.'
Wee Hughie was so much troubled with his tooth that he decided to have it extracted.
"How much will it cost ?" he asked.
"£50," replied the dentist.
"Isn't that a lot for only a few minutes work?" asked Wee Hughie.
"Well, I can pull it slowly if you like." said the dentist.
"Look," said Wee Hughie, "here's £5. Just loosen it a little."
A plane was shot down over Iraq and Saddam Hussain captured a Scotsman, an Englishman and an Australian.
Saddam says, "I'm not as cruel as George Bush says I am. You will be given 50 lashes each, but you can have whatever you want on your back." The Australian goes first, and asks for the finest Kangaroo hide there is to cover his back. This is granted and he receives the kangaroo hide before he receives 50 lashes. His back is all torn and bleeding but he survives.
The Englishman says, "I will take it as it comes, I will have nothing on my back and will be proud to bear the scars" he shouts defiantly "Stiff upper lip you know eh what." His wish is granted and he receives his 50 lashes, his back torn and bleeding, his ribs fractured and protruding, a terrible mess to behold.
"Now Wee Hughie, it's your turn, you have the same choice as the other two, what would you like on your back" says Saddam.
Wee Hughie replies quickly and without hesitation, "I'll have the Englishman".
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