Guns don't kill people. Dumb-ass, shit-for-brains, rednecks with no jobs kill people.
Guns don't kill people.
Texans kill people.
What do hillbilly chicks and polar bears have in common?
They both lick their paws.
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.
Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"
There was this redneck that walked into a bar and ordered a beer. While he was waiting on his drink he noticed a jar of money sitting on the counter. When the bartender came back the redneck asked the bartender about the money.
The bartender replied, "Well, this money is for the goat we have outside."
The redneck was puzzled so he asked again. "What exactly is this money for."
The bartender replied. "Well, We have a goat outside and he just lays there and never moves or hollers or anything and who ever can make him holler gets this money."
So the redneck finished him beer and goes outside.
He comes back in and the goat is laughing so hard and can't stop. The bartender askes how he did it and the Redneck won't answer. So the redneck walks out of the bar with the money.
A week later the Redneck comes in and sees the same bartender. He orders the same thing. And this time he sees another jar of money. He askes the bartender what this money was for.
The bartender replies "Well, ever sence you got that goat to laugh, we can't get him to stop. So we made another jar. Who ever can get that goat to stop laughing gets the money."
So, just like last time he finished his beer and went out side.
Well when he came in, the goat was crying. The bartender was wondering how he did it and the redneck replied, "A redneck never lets out his secrets."
So, he took his money and left.
About a week later the redneck came back and he saw another jar of money. So, he asked the bartender what this jar was. The bartender replied "Well, you have us all wondering how you did it. First you made him laugh then you made him cry and we want to know how you did it."
The redneck just sat there laughing. He says "Well, to make him laugh, I told him my penis was bigger than his and to make him cry, well, I proved it to him."
A visiting professor at the University of Montana is giving a seminar on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, “How many people here believe in ghosts?”
About 90 students raise their hands.
“Well that's a good start,” says the professor, “Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?”
About 40 students raise their hands.
“That's really good,” continues the professor, “I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?”
15 students raise their hands.
“That's a great response,” remarks the impressed professor, “has anyone here ever touched a ghost?”
Three students raise their hands.
“That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?” asks the professor.
One student in the back raises his hand.
The professor is astonished.
He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, “Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”
The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.
The professor asks, “Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost.”
The student replies, “Ghost?!?” Dang, I thought you said ‘goats.’
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