|
|
|
There is very little future in being right when your boss is wrong.
THE BOSS'S BASIC RULES
Rule 1: The Boss is always right!
Rule 2: In the impossible hypothesis that a subordinate may be right, becomes immediately operative.
Rule 3: The boss does not sleep; he rests.
Rule 4: The Boss is never late; he is delayed elsewhere.
Rule 5: The Boss never leaves his work; his attention is required elsewhere.
Rule 6: The Boss never reads the paper in his office; he studies.
Rule 7: The Boss is always chief, even in his bathing togs.
Rule 8: Whomsoever may enter the boss's office with an idea of his own must leave the office with the boss's ideas.
Rule 9: If, in your lamentable ignorance, you fail to grasp the truth, fear not; return to rule 1.
If at first you don't succeed, try management.
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
Useful Work Phrases
1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
4. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
5. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
6. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
7. How about never? Is never good for you?
8. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
9. You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.
10. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
11. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
12. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
13. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
14. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
15. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
There was an engineer, manager and programmer driving down a steep mountain road.
The brakes failed and the car careered down the road out of control.
Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff.
They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.
The manager said "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution."
The engineer said "No that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."
The programmer said "I think you're both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."
Don't ask me; I was hired for my looks.
My boss didn't come into work today. He called this morning and said he was having a vision problem. When I asked what was wrong, he replied, "I just can't see myself at work today."
You can name your own salary here. I call mine Fred.
We the unwilling, led by the unqualified, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful.
Performance Reviews
"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom.....and has started to dig."
"His men would follow him anywhere...but only out of morbid curiosity."
"This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't be'."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
|
|
|
