Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.
God says, "I want all the women to go with St. Peter. I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that ruled their women on earth and the other line for the men that were ruled by their women."
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were ruled by their women was 1000 miles long, and in the line of men that ruled their women, there was only one man.
God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all dominated by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye. It loudly announced, "New Porsche, $500!"
The man thought it had to be a joke, but he said to himself, "Just in case, it's worth a shot."
So he called the number and then went to the home of the lady selling the sports car. She led him into the garage. Sure enough, there was an almost brand new Porsche.
"Wow!" the man said, "Can I take it for a test drive?"
"Sure," answered the lady.
The man was surprised to learn that the car ran perfectly.
When he got back to the lady's house, he asked her, "Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"
Then the lady replied with a laugh, "My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me, 'You can have the house and the furniture, just sell my Porsche and send me the money.'"
Mary was married to a male chauvinist. They both worked full time, but he never did anything around the house and certainly not any housework -- that, he declared, was woman's work.
But one evening Mary arrived home from work to find the children bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove and a beautifully set table, complete with flowers.
She was astonished, and she immediately wanted to know what was going on. It turned out that Charley, her husband, had read a magazine article that suggested working wives would be more romantically inclined if they weren't so tired from having to do all the housework in addition to holding down a full-time job.
The next day, she couldn't wait to tell her friends in the office. "How did it work out?" they asked.
"Well, it was a great dinner," Mary said. "Charley even cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework, folded the laundry and put everything away."
"But what about afterward?" her friends wanted to know.
"Oh -- that didn't work out," Mary said. "Charley was too tired."
Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment.
Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got one.
Matt enthusiastically announced that he had. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it, they'll be giving you a speaking part."
Friends of ours invited me and my wife out to dinner.
Although it turned out to be a topless restaurant, my wife was a pretty good sport and pretended to enjoy the evening.
On the way home though, even the defrosters at full force wouldn't keep the windshield from icing over on her side of the car.
Doug had always been teased by his friends that his wife was more successful than he was.
Some even went so far as to insinuate that he was henpecked. Doug had a sense of humor and always laughed it off.
One day, one of his fiends asked the tiresome question again, "Who wears the pants in your family?"
"I do," Doug answered. Then he added, "I also wash and iron them."
Finding a bottle on the beach, Jake uncorks it and releases a genie.
"Ah, now you get three wishes," says the genie.
"Great!" Jake replies. "First, I want one billion dollars."
Poof! There's a flash, and a paper with Swiss bank account numbers appears in Jake's hand.
"Next, I want a nice oceanside home in Hawaii."
Poof! Another flash, and he is holding the deed to an oceanside property in Hawaii.
"Finally," Jake says, "I want to be irresistible to women."
Poof! There's another blinding flash...and Jake turns into a box of chocolates.
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