Sven and Lena lived on a lake in Northern Minnesota.
It was near the end of winter, and spring was just beginning. Sven asked Lena if she would walk across the frozen lake to the general store to pick him up some tobacco.
"Sure, but I'll need some money," Lena said.
Sven thought for a moment and said, "No, with the weather warming up, I don't know how thick the ice is. So just tell them to put it on my tab."
Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. after inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing.
"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped dead, right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"
"Oh dear! I'm very sorry," replied her friend. "What did you do?"
"Opened a can of peas instead!"
"Your ordering didn't help matters." she said, fuming.
"What?" I replied. "I only ordered a dozen oysters."
"ONE AT A TIME?!?!?!" she yelled.
Jim was talking to his new bride, Mary, and he said, "Be honest, now, baby. How am I as a lover?"
To which she replied, "Honey, I would definitely say that you're warm."
"Really?" he said excitedly.
"Yes, in fact I would say that you're the dictionary
definition of the word 'warm'."
Rob was pleased until he went home and, just for fun,
checked his dictionary and found, "WARM: Not so hot."
My girlfriend is weird.
Just the other day, she asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?"
I thought about a moment and answered, "No."
There was a pause, and then she said, "Okay, forget it."
A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen.
He asked her about it.
"This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."
"What's the curse?" the man asked.
"Mr. Klopman."
You do know what would have happened if it had been three wise WOMEN instead of three wise men, don't you?
They would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole and brought practical gifts.
A man is talking to his best friend about married life.
"You know," he says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me. But there's always that doubt."
His friend says, "Yeah, I know what you mean."
A couple of weeks later the man has to go out of town on business. Before he goes, he gets together with his friend.
"While I'm away, could you do me a favor? Could you watch my house and see if there is anything fishy going on? I mean, I trust my wife, but there's always that doubt."
The friend agrees to help out, and the man leaves town. Two weeks later he comes back and meets his friend. "So did anything happen?"
"I have some bad news for you," says the friend. "The day after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. The horn honked, and your wife ran out and got into the car, and they drove away.
After dark, the car came back. I saw your wife and a strange man get out. They went into the house. I ran over and looked in the window and saw your wife and the man kissing. Then they turned off the light."
"Then what happened?" says the man.
"I don't know. It was too dark to see."
"See what I mean? There's always that doubt."
One night a woman found her husband standing over their newborn baby's crib.
Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.
Touched by his unusual display of deep emotions, she felt her eyes grow moist. She slipped her arms around her husband.
"A penny for your thoughts," she lovingly whispered in his ear.
"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $49.95!"
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