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John asks his wife, Mary, what she wants to for their 40th wedding anniversary.
"Would you like a new Mink Coat?" he asks.
"Not really," says Mary.
"Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says John.
"No," she responds.
"What about a new vacation home in the country?" he suggests.
She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks."
"Well what would you like for your anniversary?" John asks.
"John, I'd like a divorce," answers Mary.
"Sorry, I wasn't planning to spend that much," says John.
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, you don't understand!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
A woman and her husband interrupt their vacation to go to the dentist. After waiting up front impatiently for a few minutes, they are called back to an examining room.
When the dentist enters the room, the woman is very direct. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want any Novocain because I'm in a big hurry," she said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, throw some gauze on it and we'll be on our way."
The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "I don't think I could have a tooth extracted without drugs, no matter how much of a hurry I was in. Which tooth is it?"
The woman turns to her husband and says, "Show him your bad tooth, dear."
A man phoned home from his office and told his wife, "Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime.
We leave right away, so pack my clothes, my fishing equipment and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."
He went home in a hurry, grabbed everything and rushed off.
A week later, he returned.
His wife asked if he had a good trip.
"Oh yes!" he exclaimed. "But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."
His wife smiled and said, "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box!"
The young couple was at a baseball game. About halfway through the game, they noticed a much older couple in the seats below them.
They were being VERY affectionate. They looked like two teenagers. He had his arm around her most of the time. Every few minutes, one of them was whispering in the other's ear. They also would hold hands and gaze into each other's eyes, or nibble at their mate's ear. There was also a lot of giggling going on.
The young man said to his girlfriend, "I don't know whether to watch them or the game."
She said, "Watch THEM! You already KNOW how to play baseball."
A woman awoke excitedly on Valentine's Day and announced enthusiastically to her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day! What do you think it means?"
With certainty in his voice, the man said, "You'll know tonight." That evening the man came home with a small package and handed it to his wife.
With anxious anticipation the woman quickly opened the package to find a book entitled - "The Meaning of Dreams."
Barbara Walters had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.
She returned to Kuwait after the war and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.
Ms Walters approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," she said. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"
The Kuwaiti woman replied, "Land mines."
A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert
himself. "You don't have to let your wife bully you," he said. "Go home and show her you're the boss."
The husband decided to take the doctor's advice. He went home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys. You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?"
"I certainly do," said his wife calmly, "the undertaker."
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