An insurance salesman was trying to persuade a housewife that she should take out life insurance.
"Suppose your husband were to die," he said, "what would you get?"
The housewife thought for a while, and then said, "Oh, a parrot, I think. Then the house wouldn't seem so quiet."
Bill and his wife, Sherry, get along just great, except that Bill complains Sherry is a "backseat driver" second to none.
After years of putting up with her pestering, Bill finally decided he'd had enough and advised Sherry that he would no longer drive with her in the car.
Later that day, on his way home from work, Bill's cell phone rang as he was merging onto a freeway. It was Sherry calling.
By chance, she had entered the freeway right behind him. "Honey," she said sweetly, "your turn signal is still on. And turn on your lights; it's starting to rain."
One day there were two guys playing golf on a Sunday, like they had every possible week for the past 3 years.
Just as the first man was about to make his first drive, a woman in a wedding dress came running down the fairway yelling, "You bum! You lousy bum! You promised!"
The golfer replied, "Honey, I said only if it rains today."
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and says tentatively, "Excuse me, I am sorry to bother you, but - um - would you mind very much if I sat here and chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Devastated, the guy manages to rise to his feet and slinks back to a table in the back. As you can imagine, he is hopelessly and completely embarrassed. He sinks down into his seat as far as he can go, trying to become invisible.
About a half-hour later, the woman who so loudly rejected him walks to his table and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm really very sorry I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology. I am conducting a study of how people respond to embarrassing situations."
The shy fellow, who is still shaking from his ordeal, looks up from his drink for the first time in 30 minutes. He gazes into the woman's eyes and smiles. Then at the top of his lungs he yells, "What do you mean $200?!?!"
The relatives gathered in the waiting room of the hospital where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's a very risky experimental procedure, and so your insurance company will not pay for the brain."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. One of them then asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask. "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence. "It's just standard pricing. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."
John was standing in the lingerie store staring at a collection of Wonder Bras.
The clerk noticed he had been there for some time and that he appeared to be having trouble picking one out. She walked over and asked him if she could be of assistance.
John answered, "Well... if it's a Wonder Bra, am I supposed to pick the size she is, or the size I want her to be?"
Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is believed to be necessary.
Two friends talking. "My wife drives like lighting!"
"You mean fast"?
"No, she always hits trees!"
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