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A woman woke up and told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams"
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"Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life."
"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow," protested his nephew.
"I know," replied the uncle.
A 60-year-old man and his 60-year-old wife were celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary when a Genie suddenly appeared and offered to grant each a wish.
The woman said, "I wish I could travel around the world with my husband."
The Genie nodded and waved his hand and POOF! she was holding two tickets.
Then the husband said, "I wish I could travel around the world with a woman 30 years younger." The Genie nodded and waved his hand, and POOF! the man was 90.
Three men died and stood in front of God.
God asked the first if he had been faithful to his wife. He admitted to two affairs during his marriage, so God gave him a tiny compact car to drive in heaven.
The second man admitted to only one affair and was given a midsize car.
The third man was asked the same question and said that he had been faithful to his wife until the day he died. God praised him and gave him a big luxury car.
A week later the three guys met in a parking lot. The man driving the luxury car began to cry.
"What's the matter?"
"I just passed my wife, and she was riding a bike!"
The reception had ended and the newlyweds had just sneaked off to the honeymoon resort.
After supper and champagne, the groom retired to the bedroom. But Julie pulled a chair up to the balcony doors and sat there, gazing at the stars.
"Dear," asked the somewhat impatient husband. "Aren't you coming to bed?"
"No," Julie announced. "My mother told me this was going to be the most beautiful night of my life, and I don't want to miss a single minute of it."
Upset over a newlywed squabble with my husband, I went to my mother to complain. Trying to console me, my dad said that men are not all like this all the time.
"Nonsense," I said. "Men are good for only one thing!"
"Yes," my mother interjected, "but how often do you have to parallel park?"
Two women were discussing marriage.
One said, "We've been married twenty-five years, and every night my husband complains about the food. Not one night without complaining about the food."
The other woman said, "That's awful. Doesn't it bother you?"
The first one shrugged and said, "Why should I object if he doesn't like his own cooking?"
A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the exam was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor said, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I an tell my wife."
Over drinks one afternoon a buddy of mine and I were discussing former "loves". I told him that I once broke-up with a girl long ago because she had a seemingly incurable speech impediment.
George said, "Jimmy, I'm shocked. I never know you to be one to be prejudiced against handicaps. What was the girl's problem?"
Taking a sip, I paused and reflected. "She couldn't say 'Yes'."
A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.
"Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"
A girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?"
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