After a long and serious operation, Laura ended up in a coma.
Try as they might, the doctors just couldn't bring her out of it. When her husband Bill came into intensive care to see her, the doctors gave him the bad news. "We just can't wake her. It doesn't look good, I'm afraid," the doctor told Bill in a quiet, somber voice.
Bill looked at Laura. With a soft trembling voice, he said, "But doctor, she's so young. She's only 45."
That did it. Laura instantly sat up and said, "37."
A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell your weight and fortune and dropped in a coin.
"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."
"Uh huh," his wife nodded. She then pointed at the card, "Look, it has your weight wrong, too."
Finding a bottle on the beach, Jake uncorks it and releases a genie.
"Ah, now you get three wishes," says the genie.
"Great!" Jake replies. "First, I want one billion dollars."
Poof! There's a flash, and a paper with Swiss bank account numbers appears in Jake's hand.
"Next, I want a nice ocean-side house in Hawaii."
Poof! Another flash, and he is holding the deed to an ocean side property in Hawaii.
"Finally," Jake says, "I want to be irresistible to women." Poof! There's another blinding flash...
...and Jake turns into a box of chocolates.
One day at the family reunion my grandparents were reminiscing.
My grandfather remarked, "I wonder what ever happened to the old-fashioned girls who fainted when a man kissed them."
Grandmother gave him a withering look, "What I'd like to know is what happened to the old-fashioned men who could make them faint!"
At breakfast one day, the young bride anxiously waited for her husband to comment on her first attempt at homemade cinnamon rolls.
After several minutes with no reaction, she asked, "If I baked these commercially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?"
Without looking up from his newspaper he replied, "About 10 years."
A man had placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man was deeply moved by such an outpouring of grief. He approached the man on his knees and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied through his sobs, "My wife's first husband."
A jealous husband hires a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wants more than a written report: he wants video of his wife's activities.
A week later, the detective returns with a tape. They sit down together and proceed to watch it.
Although the quality is less than professional, the man sees his wife meeting another man! He sees the two of them laughing in the park. He sees them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He sees them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He sees a dozen activities shared by the gleeful man and woman.
"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.
The detective says, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"
The husband replied, "I can't believe my wife is so much fun!"
John, for heaven's sake, why can't you just talk to me once in awhile?" whined Mary.
"Huh?" John responded.
"Look around you!" she yells as she points around the room. "All these books. Your head is always buried in books. You don't even know I'm alive!"
"Oh. I'm sorry."
"You know, sometimes I wish I were a book. Then you'd at least look at me."
"Hmmm," John mumbled in deep thought, "at least I could take you to the library every few days and change you for something more interesting."
|
