One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, the Devil himself appeared at the front of the congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
Now that they were retired, an elderly couple was discussing their plans.
"What will you do if I die before you do?" he asked her.
After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house-sharing situation with three other single or widowed women. She said she would probably look for roommates who were a little younger than herself, since she was so active for her age.
Then she asked him, "What will you do if I die first?"
He replied, "Probably the same thing."
The bride came down the aisle.
When she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs by his side.
"What are your golf clubs doing here?" she asked indignantly.
He looked her right in the eye--and said, "Well, this isn't going to take all day, is it?"
A man and woman are having marriage problems, and decide to end their union after a very short time together.
After a brief attempt to reconcile, the couple goes to court to finalize their break-up.
The judge asks the husband, "What has brought you to this point? Why are you not able to keep this marriage together?"
The husband says, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing."
The judge turned to the wife, "and what do you have to say?"
"It's been seven weeks, your Honor."
A couple on vacation in Virginia decided on the spur of the moment to get married.
They went to the county courthouse, but they took a wrong turn and, without realizing it, ended up in the offices where hunting licenses are sold.
"We're from out-of-state," said the prospective groom. "Can we get a license?"
The clerk replied, "No, but I can give you a 3-day permit."
A young single guy finds himself stranded on a deserted island. As he washes ashore, he sees a women passed out in the sand.
He performs CPR on her, saving her life, before he realizes that the woman is Cindy Crawford.
Immediately, Cindy falls in love with the man who saved her. Days and weeks go by, and they grow closer and closer. They are soon making passionate love morning, noon and night.
But one day Cindy notices the man is looking kind of glum. "What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks. "We have a wonderful life together. We love each other. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"
He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt and pants?"
"Sure," she says," if it'll help." She puts them on.
"Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks.
"Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does what he asks.
Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?"
She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet half way around the island a few minutes later.
He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders and says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"
A feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat.
She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," and she pushes him back onto the seat.
A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up.
Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already."
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