Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifting from politics to cooking.
"I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it."
"Too fancy?" asked the other.
"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way -- 'Take a clean dish...'"
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome price, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young price that I am. Then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother. There you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought, "I don't think so!"
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home- cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy, and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.
"The evening was a disaster," he moaned.
"Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother.
"Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook...."
A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."
"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.
"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."
"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."
The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.
"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."
"So, what's your problem?"
"I don't have a problem anymore," the man replied. "But now my wife does."
A man is driving very slowly up a steep, narrow mountain road.
A woman is driving down the same road, also very slowly.
As the two meet and pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!"
The man is shocked and angered. So he immediately leans out of his window and replies, "BITCH!!"
They each continue on their way. As the man rounds the next sharp turn, he crashes into the pig standing in the middle of the road.
"I was married three times" explained the man, "and I'll never marry again."
"Wow, three divroces. That must have been tough."
"No, I am a widower. My first two wives died of eating poison mushrooms, and my third wife died of a fractured skull."
"That's a shame." said his friend, "How did it happen?"
"She wouldn't eat the mushrooms."
One morning a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a beautiful diamond necklace for our anniversary. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight," he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.
"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts.
"He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening."
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