The man had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet his wife had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. Now, with my health failing, you are still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
Two friends are discussing the possibility of love. "I thought I was in love three times," one friend says.
"How so?" his friend asks.
"Five years ago I deeply cared for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me."
"Was that not love?" his friend asks.
"No," he replies. "That was obsession. And then two years ago I deeply cared for an attractive woman who didn't understand me."
"Was that not love?"
"No," he replies. "That was lust. And just last year I met a woman aboard a cruise ship to the Caribbean. She was smart, funny, and a great conversationalist. And everywhere I followed her on that boat, I would get this strange sensation in the pit of my stomach."
"Was that not love?" his friend asks.
"No," he replies. "That was motion sickness."
A man's wife had just bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her looks years younger. She sat in front of the mirror for what had to be hours applying the "miracle" products. Finally, when she was done, she turned to her husband and said, "Hon, honestly now, what age would you say I am?"
He nodded his head in assessment, and carefully said, "Well, hon, judging from your skin, twenty. Your hair, mmmm, eighteen. Your figure, twenty-five."
"Oh, you're so sweet!" gushed the wife.
"Well, hang on," he replied, "I'm not done adding it up yet."
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.
"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained.
"He was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts. He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening."
Two widows were visiting in the lounge of the Seniors' Center.
"Well," one said, "Margaret has just cremated her third husband."
"Yeah, that's the way it goes," replied the other widow. "Some of us can't find a husband, and others have husbands to burn!"
A wife went to the police station, accompanied by her next-door neighbor, to report her husband missing.
The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "What? Your husband is 5-4, chubby, balding, has a big mouth and is mean to your kids."
The wife replied, "Yeah, but who wants HIM back?"
Over drinks one afternoon a buddy of mine and I were discussing former "loves." I told him that I once broke-up with a girl long ago because she had a seemingly incurable speech impediment.
George said, "Jimmy, I'm shocked. I never know you to be one to be prejudiced against handicaps. What was the girl's problem?"
Taking a sip, I paused and reflected. "She couldn't say 'Yes'."
A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.
"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"
The clerk turned, looked her up and down for a second, smiled and said, "Not bad."
Giving a man his physical, a doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises on the man's shins.
He asked, "Do you play hockey, rugby, or any physical sport?"
"No. I just play bridge with my wife."
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