|
|
|
A man entered a busy florist shop displaying a large sign in the window that read, "Say It With Flowers."
"Wrap up a rose for me," he told the florist.
"Only one?" the florist asked.
"Just one," the customer replied. "I'm a man of few words."
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
About 5 drinks.
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two Mother-in-laws.
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, Son.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
How do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
The bumper sticker read: "I lost 250 pounds in one day, I divorced her."
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
Three men are talking in a bar. The first says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. I found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."
The second says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."
The third says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse."
Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
"No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
An old man asks a Wizard if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard replies, "Maybe, but you'll have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man answers without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
A woman on her way home from a hard day's work, stopped at a bar for just one drink. As she was sitting at the bar, she noticed an exceptionally gorgeous and distinguished man enter the place alone. He sat 4 stools away, and was so striking that she could not take her eyes from him.
The young man noticed her attentive stare, picked up his drink and walked over to her. Except for the bartender, they were the only ones in the establishment.
Before she could offer any apologies, the man said to her, "I find you to be a very attractive woman and I want you to know that I will do anything, absolutely anything, that you want. I will help you live your fantasy. There are two conditions, however:
1. You must pay me $100
2. Whatever it is you want me to do, you must state in three words or less.
So - what is your fantasy?"
The tired woman carefully considered his proposition, then withdrew the $100 from her purse. She looked deeply into the handsome man's piercing blue eyes and slowly, meaningfully, whispered, "Clean my house."
A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.
Their waitress (taking another order at a table a few paces away) suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."
|
|
|
