There was an artist, who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes, and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months now.
As usual, his model reported that morning. After exchanging greetings and some small talk, she began to undress for the day's work. He told her not to bother, that he felt pretty bad because of a cold he had been fighting. He added that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home; he just wanted to have some hot tea and got to bed.
The model said, "Oh, please, let me fix the tea for you. It's the least I can do." He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too.
They were sitting in the living room just exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea, when he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps.
"Oh my God!!!" he whispered loudly, "It's my wife! Quick! Take off all your clothes!"
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly furious with her husband, who was obviously delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "Honey -- I... I... promise. I didn't pinch that girl."
His wife smiled and said consolingly, "Of course you didn't, sweetheart. I did."
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the rear and say, 'You feeling as frisky as I am?' . . . and, she always acts like she's sound asleep!"
Maternity leave would last two years...with full pay!
There'd be a cure for stretch marks.
Natural childbirth would become obsolete. {Eg: You want me to push this through WHAT?!!}
Morning sickness would rank as the nation's No. 1 health problem.
All methods of birth control would be improved to 100% effectiveness.
Children would be kept in the hospital until they were toilet-trained and over the "Terrible Twos."
The first guy said, "My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won't let me do any work around the house. It's incredible."
The second guy says, "That's nothing. My wife thinks I'm God."
"She thinks you're God? What makes you say that?"
"Every night she places a burnt offering before me."
A man asked his wife, "If you could have anything in the world for one day, what would you want?"
"I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.
Off to McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie: the latest Hollywood blockbuster, hot dogs, popcorn, Coke and M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well dear, what was it like being six again?"
One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."
The moral of this story: If a woman speaks, and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.
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