A drunken man at a party went up to a strange woman and embraced her clumsily. She slapped his face. 'I'm so sorry,' he said, 'I thought you were my wife.' 'Huh,' said the woman, 'You'd be a fine husband to have. Just look at you - a drunken, clumsy, disgusting brute.' 'Good heavens,' said the drunk, 'you talk like her, too.'
MABEL: When I'm old and ugly, will you still love me?
PERCY: I do, don't I?
An insurance salesman was trying to persuade a housewife to buy a life insurance policy. "Just imagine if your husband was to die tomorrow," he said. "What would you get?"
"Oh, a Labrador dog, I think," replied the housewife. "They're so well-behaved.
Policeman: I am sorry to have to tell you this Mr Brown, but you wife has just fallen into the wishing well and drowned.
Mr Browm: It works!
Missing: wife and dog. Reward for dog.
'Are you married?'
'No, I've always been round-shouldered.'
'Tell me, young man,' said the father to his prospective son-in-law, 'if my daughter marries you, and I give her a substantial dowry, what have you to offer her in return?' 'I'll give you a receipt.'
Husband: Let's go out on the town tonight and have some fun.
Wife: Yeah, but if you get home before me, remember to leave the front door open.
It first occured to me that our marriage might be in trouble when my wife won an all expenses paid trip for two to Hawaii - and she went twice.
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