A man stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard days work to relax. He noticed a man next to him ordered a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before the man's curiosity got the best of him.
He leaned over to the guy and said, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your little ritual, why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot & beer"?
The man replied, "There's a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts lookin' good, I'm headin' home"!
A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost. "$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot. "That's too much," said the farmer. The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10." The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man." "Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.
Bigamy: one wife too many;
Monogamy; same thing.
A man's on his deathbed with his wife sitting near him. He says "Dear wife, I must confess certain things to you before I die." She says, "Hush now, husband, you're fading fast."
He says, "But this is really important, I must tell you so I can die with a clear conscience! I slept with your best friend, your sister, and your mother!"
She says, "I know, that's why I poisoned you."
Hotel Porter: "May I carry your bag sir?"
Hotel Guest: "No that won't be necessary, my wife is perfectly capable of walking."
"Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence."
Mr Green: My wife's one in a million.
Mr Brown: Really? I thought she was won in a raffle.
It used to be wine, women and song. Now it's beer, the old lady, and TV.
If you miss your ex, reload and try again!
The other day at work I ran into Bob. We chatted over lunch and he dropped a bombsell on me. "Rodney" he said, "Becky and I are going to get a divorce".
I was stunned. "Why? What happened, you two seem so happy together"
"Well" he said, "ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night and more. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market."
"Are you a little bitter because she spent so much time trying to change you." I probed.
"Nah, I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."
It used to be wine, women and song. Now it's beer, the old lady, and TV.
If you miss your ex, reload and try again!
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