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What's the easiest way to grease a Ferarri?
Run over a lawyer.
The highway department came to the scene of the accident where 25 feet of skid marks led up to the skunk. They picked up the first victim and gave him a proper burial, taking pains to notify the family of the tragedy. Of course they had to put clothes pins on their noses and rubber gloves on before they could remove the lawyer.
A man walks into an antique store and begins browsing through the merchandise. A small bronze sculpture of a rat catches his eye. For some reason, this curio fascinates him and he decides that he has to have it. So he picks it up and walks over to the proprietor.
"How much for this?", he asks.
"I'd think twice about getting that if I were you. Everyone who's bought it before has come back the next day to return it," says the proprietor.
"Why?"
"I don't know--but they seem to be in an awful hurry to get rid of it."
The customer thinks this over and finally decides to purchase the item. He walks out of the store and begins to make his way home. As he is walking down a dark alley, he hears a scuttling noise behind him. Quickly turning around, he sees two rats following him down the path. "That's odd", he thinks to himself and begins to walk faster. A few minutes later, he turns around again and this time there are 3 dozen rats following him! He begins to break into a trot. Next time he turns around, there are 200 rats! Now he's running as fast as he can. After a couple of minutes, he can't stand the suspense any longer and looks over his shoulder... Thousands of rats, as far as the eye can see, are marching behind him! Now he begins to panic. He looks at the figurine in his hand and it dawns on him what's going on. He changes direction and begins to make his way to the waterfront. When he reaches the harbor, he takes the figure and hurls it into the water. Thousands of rats dive into the water after it and drown! The next day, the man returns to the antique shop. The owner is astonished to find him empty-handed.
"You didn't bring it back??" he inquires.
"No, I've got just one question. Do you have one that's shaped like a lawyer?"
Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor?
No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.
After suffering through years of his wife's awful coffee, the man spat it out and took the coffee maker to his lawyer.
Dropping it on the attorney's desk, the man growled, "Here they are!"
"Here are what?" the startled lawyer asked.
"Grounds for Divorce."
The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. A local volunteer calls to solicite his donation, saying "our research shows that even though your annual income is over a million dollars, you do not give one penny to charity! Wouldn't you like to give back to your community through The United Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a moment and says: "First, did your research show that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh, no."
"Secondly, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology but is cut off.
"Thirdly, that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident", the lawyers voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says simply, "I had no idea."
The lawyer then says"...and if I don't give any money to THEM, why should I give any to you?"
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question. The prosecutor again blared, "Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
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