What is the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
The lawyer charges more.
What's the easiest way to get away from a lawyer?
Buy a faster ambulance.
Three men were in a balloon. They got caught in a storm and after being tossed about, they got lost. When the storm calmed down, they eventually floated passed a man on the ground.
They yelled "Where are we?"
The man replied "You are in a balloon".
One of the men in the balloon turned to the others and said "that man is obviously a lawyer".
How can you tell?, the two asked.
"It's easy, the information he gave is totally accurate, and completely useless".
There was once a rich man who knew that, within a month, he would die of cancer. So he invited three of his best friends, an engineer, a doctor, a lawyer, to a bequest. The dying man said, "I have worked hard for my entire life, for money, and as such I have decided that I want to be buried with it. However, since the state prohibits all objects from being placed in the casket, except for the deceased and one set of clothing, I will need your help." He continued, "Therefore, I will give each of you $1 million. On the day of the funeral, each of you will approach the casket and secretly throw the money into the casket." The three friends took the money and left. A month later, after the funeral, the three remaining friends gathered at a bar to drown their sorrow.
The engineer broke the silence and said, "I have to confess. Times have been hard lately, so I kept $10,000 for myself. I can't believe that I was so weak, I'm truly sorry ..."
The doctor, moved by his friend's confession, also spoke up. "I've also betrayed our friend's memory," he sobbed. "My wife wanted another BMW, so I took out $40,000 ..."
After they settled down, both the engineer and the doctor looked at the lawyer, who had yet to reveal any indiscretions. The lawyer immediately got indignant at the stares he was getting and said, "Don't think that because I am a lawyer that I would rip him off like you two did." He continued, "I did my part I threw in a check for the full $1 million."
"You are a cheat!" shouted the attorney to his opponent.
"And you're a liar!" bellowed the opposition.
Banging his gavel loudly, the judge interjected, "Now that both attorneys have been identified for the record, let's get on with the case."
At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?" "Well, for two reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, and second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them."
Old lawyers never die. They just lose their appeal.
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer.
"If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."
"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"
"Oh no! This judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.
As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!"
"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."
"But, I did send them."
"What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously.
"Yes. That's how we won the case."
"I don't understand," said the lawyer.
"It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."
It was recently said that a lawyer was fishing in the Atlantic, when a sudden swell threw him into the water. A school of man-eating sharks immediately converged on him, but they lifted him out of the water, and carefully swam him to the shore, where he waded out of the water. He turned, and asked them why they had saved his life instead of eating him alive. One of the sharks smiled, and said "Professional Courtesy!"
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