Doctor, Doctor, I keep seeing pink elephants.
Have you seen a psychiatrist?
No - only pink elephants.
Doctor, Doctor.
I can't stop sneezing. What can you give me?
A tissue?
Oh no, it's happening to you as well.
The doctor comes in and tells his patient he has some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you don't have cancer, the bad news is that you have short-term memory loss.
Then the patient says, "But do I have Cancer?"
"Doctor, doctor, I've just swallowed the film from my camera."
"Well, let's hope nothing develops."
"Doctor, doctor I keep seeing double."
"Take a seat please."
"Which one?"
Doctor: Face the window, would you? Now stick out your tongue.
Patient: But - Why am I facing the window?
Doctor: Because I don't like the man next door.
At a party a woman was talking to a doctor. "What kind of a doctor are you?" she asked.
"A Naval surgeon," he replied.
"My, how you doctors specialize," she said.
DOCTOR: Well, Mr Jones, I can't find anything wrong with you. It must be the drink.
MR JONES: Okay, Doctor, I'll come back in the morning when you're sober.
'Doctor, doctor, little Jimmy has a saucepan stuck on his head. Whatever shall I do?'
'Don't worry, you can borrow one of mine. I'm going out for dinner."
Last summer a doctor and his family were at the beach having a good time. All of a sudden the doctor spotted a dorsal fin sticking out of the water and fainted. When he came to, his wife said, "You have to be less paranoid, dear. That was only a shark. Stop imagining that there are lawyers every- where."
Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something different.
A few weeks later, Joe's former psychoanalyst meets his old client in the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful. "Doc!" Joe says, "It's amazing! I'm cured!"
"That's great news!" the psychoanalyst says. "you seem to be doing much better. How?"
"I went to see another doctor," Joe says enthusiastically, "and he cured me in just ONE session!"
"One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.
"Yeah," continues Joe, "my new doctor is a behaviorist."
"A behaviorist?" the psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in one session?"
"Oh, easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off of my bed."
Patient: 'Doctor, my wooden leg keeps giving me the most awful pain.'
Doctor: 'Don't be ridiculous! How can a wooden leg give you pain?'
Patient: 'My wife keeps hitting me on the head with it.'
The doctor said to this chap, 'I'm afraid you've only got five minutes left to live.'
The chap said, 'Doctor that's terrible. What can you do for me?'
The doctor said, 'I'll boil you an egg if you like.'
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