A tourist asks a man in uniform, "Are you a policeman?"
"No, I am an undercover detective."
"So why are you in uniform?"
"Today is my day off."
A frail little old lady walked up to a cop and said, "I was attacked! I was attacked!"
The cop said, "When?"
She said, "Twenty-three years ago."
The cop said, "What are you telling me now for?"
The little old lady said, "I just like to talk about it once in a while."
A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Homer gets out.
The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park...and couldn't find his way home.
"Now Homer", said grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! So how could you get lost ?"
Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear. Homer whispered, "I wasn't lost.....I was just too tired to walk home."
A man was speeding down a Alabama highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
"Ever go a fishin'?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Did you ever catch 'em all?"
You are under arrest and....
1. No, I don't care who you are.
2. No, I don't care who you know.
3. Yes... you DO pay my salary.
4. Yes... you CAN have my job.
5. No, I don't have anything better to do.
6. Yes, I DO arrest real criminals sometimes.
7. No, I am not picking on you because you are __________ (fill in any ethnic group/race).
8. No, I can't give you a break.
9. No, I don't know your friend, Officer __________.
10. Yes, you will be allowed to make a phone call.
11. Yes, I'm sure you will never do it again.
12. No, we can't talk about it.
13. Yes, it DOES make me happy.
14. Yes, you WILL see me in court.
Thank you, have a nice day.
Your Arresting Officer __________
A cop was interrogating a very intoxicated Irishman, who was also severly bleeding.
The officer asked, "Can you describe the person who did this to you?"
The Irishman replied, "That's what I was doing when he hit me."
Three men were trying out for the FBI.
The testing agent approached the three men with a gun. He pointed to a door and said, "We have all your wives in that room over there. For you to make it into the FBI, you must each take this gun and shoot your wife."
The first man took the gun, walked boldly into the room, and shut the door. The others listened for gunshots, but heard nothing. A while later, the man came out of the room, crying, "I can't shoot my wife. I love her!"
The second man took the gun, walked boldly into the room, and shut the door behind him. The others again listened for gunshots, but again heard only silence. The man came out, bawling, and said, "I can't shoot my wife! She cooks so well, and I love her so much!"
The third man said, "Gimme the danged gun." He snatched the weapon, and marched in the room. It took no time at all to hear: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
That was followed by all sorts of banging noise, screams, and then finally cold silence.
The man emerged from the room, sweating profusely, and barked, "You didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! So I had to beat her to death with a chair."
Having gone to his secretary's apartment, Mr. Biggs was astonished to wake up and find that it was three in the morning.
"My God!" he shouted, "My wife is going to kill me!"
Unsure of how he would explain it, he ran to the nearest pay phone and called his wife.
"Honey!" he began, "Don't call the cops and don't pay the ransom."
"I escaped!"
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