A state trooper stopped at a little cafe for coffee. As he was getting ready to leave a patron of the cafe yelled out, "Go out and get 'em!" he said. "I suppose everyone's going to get a ticket today?"
"I don't really give out many tickets," the cop said. "Oh, come on," the man teased. "You'd give your own mother a ticket."
"No, my mother never drove a car," said the trooper. Then a grin spread over his face. "But I did catch her jaywalking once," he said, "and I issued her a warning. But that's all."
Traffic was backed up for miles, the police were going car to car. When they got to my car I asked the officer what was going on.
He said "It's O.J. again. He's up there threatening to set himself on fire! We are going car to car collecting donations."
"Donations!" I said, "How much you got so far?"
He said "about ten gallons."
A man was found murdered in his home over the weekend.
Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his tub. The tub had been filled with milk, and the deceased had a banana protruding from his buttocks.
Police suspect a cereal killer.
The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
"Hello? I'm calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.
The phone rings at the neighbors house. Hey, Clifford, did the FBI come?"
"Yep."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
Hot Shot Rookie A rookie patrol officer stopped a car for speeding.
The driver asked, "Gee officer can't you just give me a warning"?
The officer said,"Sure".
He stepped back, drew his .357 magnum and fired a shot across the hood of the car.
"Anything else?" said the rookie.
A truck driver was pulled over by a State Trooper.
The patrolman told him to get out of the truck, and noticed that the driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth as he stepped out of the cab. Figuring that the driver was putting away his pep pills, the patrolman asked "Did I just see you swallow something?"
"Yep, that was my birth control pill," said the driver.
"Birth control pill?" asked the patrolman.
"Yep, when I saw your light, I knew I was screwed."
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned: "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, it turned itself in.
While driving along the back roads of a small town, two truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11'3."
They got out and measured their rig, which was 12'4."
"What do you think?" one asked the other.
The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first. "Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"
The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.
A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk"
The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."
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