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Why do they lock petrol station toilets?
Are they afraid someone will clean them?
There was a man who painted rabbits all over his bald head.
Claimed they looked like hares from a distance.
What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in France????
Linoleum blown-apart.
Traffic policeman: 'Didn't you hear me shout to you to pull over?'
Motorist: 'I'm awfully sorry. I thought you said "Good morning, Chief Constable." '
Traffic policeman: 'That's all right, sir. I just wanted to warn you that the traffic's pretty bad up ahead.'
Why do elephants have big ears?
Because Noddy won't pay the ransom.
A man is strolling past a lunatic asylum when he hears a loud chanting. "thirteen thirteen thirteen!" goes the noise from the mental hospital wards.
The mans curiosity gets the better of him, and he searches for a hole in the security fence. Its not long before he finds a small crack, so he leans forward and peers in.
Instantly, someone jabs him in the eye. As he reels back in agony, the chanting continues "fourteen fourteen fourteen!"
A woman woke her husband one night and said, 'There's a burglar in the kitchen eating my home-made steak and kidney pie!'
'Oh dear: said her husband. 'Who shall I call, police or ambulance?'
Old Lady: Do you always play by ear?
Street Musician: Yes, lady, 'ere or 'ereabouts.
What is white and furry and smells of peppermint?
A polo bear.
There has been a theft at Euro Disney. A man has been charged with taking the Mickey.
In the mid-sixties, there was a hippy named Benny in San Francisco. Benny was real hip, but he just couldn't grow a beard like the rest of the flower child guys in Haight-Ashbury (Hashbury). One day Benny met up with a Gypsy Lady who liked him enough to grant him a wish, so, naturally, Benny wished for a beard. Gypsy Lady granted the wish but warned Benny to ALWAYS wear the beard, never cut it off. Well, the years went by, the flower children aged, the hippoy movement sorta died out, Benny went on to a career as a successful financial adviser. Benny decided the beard no longer fit his image so, ignoring the Gypsy Lady's warnings, he shaved it off. **POOF** Benny disintegrated into a pile of ashes, the janitor swept him up and deposited him in a jar.
Moral of the story: A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.
....Then there was the hopeless case that Sherlock Holmes solved through the use of brilliant deduction....
Watson asks, " Tell me dear Sherlock, what school did you last attend?"
"Elementary my dear Watson, Elementary."
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Why is there only one monopolies commission?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
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