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Did you hear about the 2 men from the monastery who opened up a fast food seafood restaurant?
One was the fish friar, and the other was the chip monk.
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
About half way.
Two little East End kids were paddling in the sea at Southend. 'Cor,' said one, 'look at your feet. They ain't half dirty.'
'Well, we didn't have no 'oliday last year.'
An Englishman, and Irishman and a Scotsman are running down the street away from the police as they had just robbed a bank. They look for somewhere to hide and find some bags. the Englishman jumps into the bag named 'cats', the Scotsman jumps into a bag named 'dogs' and the Irishman jumps into the bag named 'potatoes'. The police find the bags and kick the one named cats, the englishman says 'meow'. the Scotsman gets kicked and says 'woof'. The Irishman gets kicked and says 'potatoes'!
A poor little East End kid was taken away to the country for his first holiday and as he got out of the train at his destination he looked around in bewilderment. 'Blimeyl What a lot of grass to keep off.'
And why couldn't the loutish baseball umpire have his little boy sit in his lap?
Because the son never sits on the brutish umpire.
A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat. He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Johnny, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?"
"That it is," Johnny replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the fancy dress ball." "You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat. "How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Johnny.
"Well," mused Pat, "'tis life and there's a lesson in this somewhere."
"That there is," replied Johnny. "'Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover."
A man went into a pet store and said to the owner, I'd like to buy a pet that is out of the ordinary - unusual. The pet shop owner replied, well, I have one Rairy-bird left... The man said, I've never even heard of a Rairy-bird, that certainly makes it unusual, I'll take it! So the man brought home his new Rairy-bird and soon found out that it had a huge appetite! It was always hungry!! Finally, the Rairy-bird was so big and fat that it wouldn't fit inside the house anymore, much less the cage! The man said to himself: I've got to get rid of this animal-I can't afford to feed it! So he rented a huge dump truck, put the Rairy-bird into the back, and drove to the edge of a high cliff. He then dumped the Rairy-bird out of the truck and over the cliff!! Thinking that all his troubles were over, the man was driving home when he suddenly heard this singing coming from the back of the dump- truck: "It's a long long way to tip-a-Rairy!!
Wee Hughie adored and loved his girlfriend, Lorraine, to whom he was engaged to be married. Wedding plans were well underway and he was looking forward to spending the rest of his lfe with Lorraine.
However, a beutiful young lady, called Clearly, came to work in his glen and they found that they got on together very well and as time went by, Wee Hughie realised that he was in love with Clearly and that the Love was reciprocated.
Being a gentleman he decided that as he had promised to marry Lorraine he would do so and steadily removed himself from his other relationship.
One day, he and Lorraine were walking along the banks of the River Tay. As they walked, Lorraine slipped and fell into the river and was swept away and drowned.
He stood on the bank for a few minutes feeling very sad before walking away singing happily.
And this is what he sang.
"I can see clearly now Lorraine has gone"
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