A lad of 12 was a dedicated stamp collector; until the kid next door bought an album also. "He buys every stamp I do," the kid complained to his father, "and had taken all the fun of it away."
"Don't be a fool, my boy," said pop. "Remember, imitation is the sincerest form of philately."
A man goes into a fish and chip shop and says 'Can I have fish and chips twice please?'
The shop owner says, 'I heard you the first time.'
Villager: It was 'ere that Catherine of aragon was bitten by a mad dog.
Tourist: Tudor?
Villager: Yes, chewed 'er something 'orrible it did.
Who appears in cowboy films and is always broke?
Skint Eastwood.
If two is company and three is a crowd, what are four and five?
Nine!
The other day, my husband and I bought our small son a jigsaw to keep him occupied while we went out. Imagine our surprise when, four hours later, we came back to find that he had cut his fingers off!!
A couple of boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bush's jumped the Game Warden!
Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden...
After about a half mile the boy stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thigh's to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up with him...
"Lets see yer fishin license, Boy!" the Warden gasped..
With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license..
"Well, son", said the Game Warden, "You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"
"Yes Sir", replied the young feller," But my friend back there, well, he don't have one"...
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Japanese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling,
"You sign, you sign!"
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement when the Japanese man starts to yell louder.
"You sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Get lost!" and shuts the door in the Japanese man's face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Japanese man is back, with a huge truck full of brake pads.
He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling "You sign! You sign!"
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Japanese man back, shouting:
"Look, get lost!! You've got the wrong bloke! I don't want them!" then slams the door in the Japanese man's face again.
The following day Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, hears a knock on the door again. Upon opening the door, the little Japanese man thrusts the same clipboard under his nose, shouting
"You sign! You sign!"
Behind him are TWO large trucks full of wing mirrors.
Nelson loses his temper completely, picks the little man up by his shirt front and yells at him, "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong man! Who do you want to give these to?" The little Japanese man looks at him a bit puzzled, consults his clipboard, And says:
"You not Nissan Maindealer?"
This nurse was learning first aid. The sister said, 'Nurse, imagine a man's been brought in after an accident and he's bleeding badly. What's the first thing you'd do?'
The nurse said. 'Faint.'
A man once walked into a shop which sold musical instruments and bought a very expensive mouthorgan. As the shopkeeper wrapped up the purchase he said, 'You know is this is quite amazing. We normally don't sell many mouth organs, but this is the second one I've sold today.
'Oh,' said the customer, 'that must have been our Monka.'
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