Brian: What kind of dog is that?
Terry: A police dog.
Brian: Are you sure, it doesn't look much like a police dog.
Terry: That's because it's a plain-clothes police dog.
Teacher: Where was Magna Carta signed?
Pupil: At the bottom.
Boy: Sir, I'd like your daughter for my wife.
Father: Can't she get one of her own?
A man was walking down the street and he met a small boy. The man asked what was his name.
The boy replied, 'six and seven-eighths.'
The man asked him why his parents had given him such a strange name, and he replied, 'they just picked it out of a hat.'
A man wants into a bar and asks for a pint of lager and a packet of helicopter crisps.
'Sorry', said the barman, 'we don't have any helicoper crisps, we only have plane.'
A policeman walked over to a parked car and asked the driver if the car was licensed. 'Of course it is,' replied the driver.
'Great, I'll have a pint then.'
Railway Porter (cheerfully) - Miss the train, sir?
Passenger - No, I didn't like the look of it, so I chased it out of the station.
An intrepid photographer went to a haunted castle determined to get a picture of a ghost which was said to appear only once in a hundred years. Not wanting to frighten off the ghost, the photographer sat in the dark until midnight when the apparition became visible. The ghost turned out to be friendly and consented to pose for one snapshot. The happy photographer popped a bulb into his camera and took the picture. After dashing into his studio, the photographer developed the negative and groaned. It was underexposed and completely blank. The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak.
We were all in a car and it wouldn't start, so I told everyone to be quiet, and then it started right up! Why??
Cause it goes without saying...
"Who was that lady I seen you with last night?"
"You mean 'I saw.'"
"Ok, who was that eyesore I seen you with last night?"
Two packets of crisps were walking along the road. A passing car stopped and the driver asked if they would like a lift.
"No thanks," said the crisps, "we're Walkers.
Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains.
However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it back up. After, he would go about his daily duties. For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated the contents of the strange envelope.
One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captains quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and...
The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper, two on two lines:
``Port Left Starboard Right''